|  Author | Topic: Follow me Home - PG (Read 219 times) |
Giovanna Nero
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« Thread Started on Jan 28, 2007, 1:56pm » | ![[Quote]](http://s4.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
Name: Giovanna Nero[Jessica]
Age: 18
How long did it take you to write: Half an hour.
Short plot of Fanfic: This is really only the beginning of the story. I'm not exactly sure where it's going, but I'm setting it up for some kind of conspiracy, crazy mystery thing -- like I usually tend to do.
Fanfic Title: Follow me Home
Fanfic:
The girl looked all around her, for any means of escape. A window, a locked door and a furnace vent. She knew that she couldn't crawl into the furnace vent. Too risky. The door was locked, so that was out of the question as well. As for the window...
She walked towards the window and looked down, seeing that she was at the top of a very tall building. How did she get there? She had no idea, but for now she had to concentrate on getting out. Whoever had brought her there would probably come back soon and she had no idea what would happen to her then.
A rope. A TV. A phone. A phone! She ran towards the phone and tripped on the rope, causing a big crash when she landed face first on the ground. She landed on a clock and her chin went straight through the glass cover. The hand kept on ticking.
She looked at the door instantly, expecting it to open, but for now she was safe. She only had a short time, though, before someone would come bursting through the door to wonder what was going on. Time was short.
She got up and stumbled towards the phone. She picked it up and heard nothing. Silence. There was nothing on the other line. The girl saw that the telephone cord was cut and suddenly felt a lot more hopeless than before. She headed towards the rope, which laid straight along the ground.
The end of the rope went out the door, which scared her all the more. Everything seemed set up in the room, to trick her. She had to get past it; she had to wrap her mind around the solution to the problem.
At home, she was always the smart one - the logical one. But now, she was alone, stuck in a real problem with no obvious way out. She had to use every bit of information she knew in order to get out of the building.
Scissors. The girl saw a pair of scissors laid out on the table, still opened. Whoever had cut the telephone cord had forgotten them. Was it on purpose?
The girl nearly ran towards them, feeling her time ticking by each time she stopped to think of what to do next. She took the scissors and was about to cut the rope when she realized something. If she cut it, it would look loose from the other end. So she looked around the room for something else that would be useful.
A book. There was a book on the floor, put up against the far wall. She rushed over to it and took it towards the rope. Right beside the part she wanted to cut, nearest to the door, she places the book on the rope. Then, she cut the rope on the other side so that the pressure would still be on the rope. She just hoped that no one would tug on the rope so that the book would move. Or at least, not until she was gone.
Hm... she thought. How would she make part of the rope stay in the room so that she could climb down? She looked around the room again, her eyes scanning for something that she could use. It had to be something heavy enough to hold the rope down without moving itself when she climbed out of the window.
In the meantime, she opened the window so that she could be sure that it would be her route to safety. Without much trouble, the window opened and a cool, summer breeze sweeped through the room. The girl felt like she could think more clearly and found her eyes darting around the room quicker than before.
She found a standing lamp, quite close to the window. Then, she tied the rope around the stand with a knot she had learned at camp one year. She hadn't thought that learning about that knot would do much good, but she was glad that she had learned it. Then, she grabbed the rope tightly and took a deep breath. If she let go, she would die. She knew that that was her only fate: to live or to die. But since that she would die if she stayed (or at least that's what it seemed like to her), her best chances were to leave the room behind and to climb down the tall apartment building.
She climbed out of the window, still holding onto the rope. It was thick and braided quite tightly. If her grip held, she'd be able to make it to safety. On the climb down, she heard the cars below her beeping and driving quite quickly. She didn't want to land on one of them and closed her eyes for a brief moment before continuing again. Unfortunately for her, she was afraid of heights.
When she was only three stories high (two stories lower than the room where she came from), she saw someone at the window yell down to her. The door was unlocked. She began to climb down the rope quicker, not caring about her fear of heights at all. She couldn't make out what he was saying, but it sounded like he was worried. Why would he be? I didn't quite see his face...
She knew that she couldn't go to the police and give them any good information other than the place where she was. Why would he be worried about being caught? By the time she got down the rope, he could be long gone with no trouble at all. Unless he was worried about something else.
The girl suddenly felt a tug on the rope and saw that the man from the room was trying to pull her back up to the window. She let out a small scream without realizing it and found that she was closer to the ground than she thought. When her feet touched the ground, she let go of the rope and collapsed on the ground. The people on the streets gathered around her, staring in disbelief.
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Slayer
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Joined: Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 23
Karma: 0 | | Re: Follow me Home - PG
« Reply #1 on Jan 30, 2007, 4:10pm » | |
Fanfic Name: Follow me home
Writers Name: Giovanna Nero
Raters name: Slayer
First Impressions: The story line was very intriguing from the start, quite puzzling it always had me wondering and still does to what’s going on In the story, Especially with that ‘well placed’ piece of rope which I think is very suspicious (you would not have me climbing down it, I would have been paranoid someone would have cut it lol) I like the way things seem well set out and planned like you know exactly where the things in the room are which helps me visualise it when you write about it.
Style of writing: I am loving the way you write it using sentences like: “A rope. A TV. A phone. A phone!” Sentences like this give us a sense of urgency which is good as your fic is all about urgency, and the use of listing things really underlines this! Which was fab and I loved it! lol You have a nice simple yet effective way of writing all the way through the fic its very steady and doesn’t change tenses half way through which may seem a funny thing to say but I’ve read many a fic where this happens and it doesn’t work although if you work it right it can work.
Charactersiation: I don’t feel as if I got to know the character but I do feel this was your intention to create mystery and confusion through out the chapter, this did work but I would love to see more chapters where I can really get to know the character.You did give us a bit of background information though:
“At home, she was always the smart one - the logical one.” – Thought this was really effective as it was just a small insight to her life, but it also gave me an idea of what’s going through her mind.
Fanfic Over all: I love the plot line it had me hooked all the way through, and although its fast paced I think it works fine and you have a good plot going. For improvements I feel that maybe at the beginning it could be a bit slower paced, I know you might want to draw the reader in straight away but I think with this it needs to be introduced a bit slower as the pace all the way through is too much for me, a lot of information to take in, in a short amount of time. (if that’s making sense?)
Other: Over all I love the plot and am really curious to as what might happen next!! Come on who are these people!?! Me want to know!
Over all im going to give it 8/10 Well done!!!
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